I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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