I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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