The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
