I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
