drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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