I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
