just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
