my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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