Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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