I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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