Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
