She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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