I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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