Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He shit in the fireplace
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
