I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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