the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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