i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
