he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My breasts were aching with rage.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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