Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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