I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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