I must be too annoying 4 u.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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