Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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