I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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