Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
