tonight lets celebrate not being married
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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