Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
