you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
