He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
