In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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