i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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