someone owes me an orgasm
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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