I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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