I just pynch a tree in the face
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
