so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
