So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
