Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
