herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
