I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
