I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
