Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
