Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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