Your dad touched me again.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
