I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dicks are not precious.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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