life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize