And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
