Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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