If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
