Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
