apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
