using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
