I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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