Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
