For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
