She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
