every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She bit a glass in half.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I got inside last night via doggy door
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
