We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
