My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize