does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
