Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
