the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
